A Vampire in Gotham
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: When the Joker accidentally resurrects Count Dracula, he thinks it will be a laugh riot to have Batman fight a real Bat-Man. It's only when the vampire stops taking orders and starts taking an interest in Harley that the Clown Prince realizes Dracula is no joke, and forms an uneasy alliance with Batman to save Gotham from the Un-dead. Thanks to MinaHarkerBlack for suggesting! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**A Vampire in Gotham**

**Gotham City – 200 years ago**

The fog blanketed Gotham City in a cloud of cold, chilling mist which the gaslights could barely penetrate. The lamps glowed faintly, like fireflies trapped in little glass boxes, blinking their last desperate winks against the icy fingers of the mist which threatened to envelope them. It was not a night to be outside, and indeed few people were. There was, however, one lone man standing on the docks, peering out to sea and ignoring the chilling spray which clung to him.

Solomon Wayne brushed a few drops of fog off of his cape and returned his attention to the water. He could see nothing but the lighthouse searchlight from time to time, and in the distance a faint bell.

"Brutal night, Solomon," said a voice. Wayne turned to see a figure emerge from the fog, puffing on a cigar. He nodded at him.

"Indeed it is, Mr. Cobblepot."

"Henry, please," said Cobblepot. "There's no reason why the two wealthiest families in Gotham shouldn't be civil to each other."

Wayne said nothing, looking back out to sea. "Any sign of him yet?" asked Cobblepot, withdrawing a hip flask from his jacket and sipping from it.

"No," said Wayne. He checked his watch. "He's late."

"Well, you know what foreigners are like," said Cobblepot, shrugging. "No sense of punctuality." He offered his flask to Wayne, who shook his head.

"Abraham is never late," murmured Wayne, softly. "What if something's gone wrong?"

"What could go wrong?" asked Cobblepot.

"You ask that?" said Wayne, turning to look at him. "When you know what Abraham carries with him?"

"The remains of a dead man," said Cobblepot, nodding. "That's all. If you're trying to scare someone with a lot of fairy stories about ghosts and witches and demons, I'm afraid I'm a little old for it."

"Have you read Abraham's account of the horror which invaded London…"

"Yes," interrupted Cobblepot. "And if I believed it, I would never allow him to bring such a thing to Gotham City. But I don't believe it, Solomon. Blood-sucking corpses and the dead returning to life – it's all nonsense."

"'There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy,'" muttered Solomon, tightening his hand on his cane.

"What?" asked Cobblepot.

"Just remembering my _Hamlet_, Mr. Cobblepot," murmured Solomon. "That's all."

A bell rang again, closer to them, and then a ship's whistle was heard. And suddenly from out of the fog emerged a small vessel, bumping quietly against the dock. The crew bustled to tie the ship down and brought out the gangplank. Wayne and Cobblepot watched as an old man hobbled out from the ship, clutching a small chest to his heart as if for dear life.

"Abraham, my old friend," said Wayne, stepping forward to shake the man's hand warmly.

"Solomon, it is good to see you again," murmured the old man, in a soft, but commanding voice. "I cannot express how grateful I am to you for…"

"Please, none of that," said Wayne. "When I got your letter, there was never a doubt in my mind what the right course of action was."

The old man smiled at him. "You were always decisive, Solomon," he murmured, clapping him gently on the shoulder. "And brave and determined. These traits run in your family, I think, from what I have seen of your son."

"I hope that they will always do so," said Wayne. "Mr. Cobblepot, allow me to present Dr. Abraham Van Helsing, of Amsterdam."

"It is a pleasure, Mr. Cobblepot," said Van Helsing, shaking his hand. "I owe you the same debt of gratitude I owe Solomon. It is not a cowardly man who would do what you have agreed to do."

"Let no one ever say the Cobblepots are cowards," replied Cobblepot, smiling. "But come, both of you. My home is not far – let us sit down in front of a fire with a glass of brandy and remove the chill from our bones."

Van Helsing smiled sadly. "I thank you, my friend. But it is hightly unlikely for me that the chill will ever be entirely removed from my bones. Nor my heart."

He clutched the chest tighter as Cobblepot hailed a cab. As they drove, Van Helsing looked out the window at the numerous cranes and building sites, as the fledgling city began to grow upward.

"Gotham shows great promise," he murmured when they were all three comfortably settled in Cobblepot's drawing room. "It may yet be as mighty as London someday."

"That's certainly what we're hoping for," agreed Cobblepot. "Solomon and I are both great advocates of Gotham's expansion, both physically and economically. This will be a great city one day."

"I have no doubt of it," replied Van Helsing, gratefully taking the drink Cobblepot offered him. "You are both clearly men of vision. But greatness is not always the blessing we believe it to be. Things can be great without being good."

"Speaking of vision, any chance we could see him?" asked Cobblepot, nodding at the chest Van Helsing still clasped tightly against him.

Van Helsing stared back at him. "Um…yes, if you wish," he stammered, slowly putting the chest down on the table. He carefully undid the hinges, and then pulled out a tiny key which he turned in the keyhole. The chest clicked open and Van Helsing raised the lid. Cobblepot and Wayne looked inside.

"Not much to look at, is he?" chuckled Cobblepot. "Could be anyone's dust in there."

"But it is not anyone's dust," murmured Van Helsing. "This is the dust of a great man. Evil, yes, but great. It is not the kind of greatness you want Gotham City to be known for, Mr. Cobblepot."

"Oh, I'm not so sure," replied Cobblepot, shrugging. "I don't know what Solomon's plans for him were, but I'm thinking we could put that little casket there on display," he said, nodding at the chest. "Maybe in a museum. Give him a whole exhibition, and let the tourists come by the thousands to sneak a peek at him. With the popularity of Mr. Stoker's book skyrocketing, it's sure to bring in a substantial revenue…"

Van Helsing slammed the lid shut. "What kind of game do you think this is, Mr. Cobblepot?" he murmured, furiously. "Do you think this is all a joke? Do you think the things Mr. Stoker wrote about in his novel were fictitious? Do you think the things I wrote in my letter to Solomon were just a story? They were not. This man, this…creature, was real. As real as you or I. And he is not a joke. He is not an attraction to be put on display in some freak show. He is a monster."

"_Was _a monster," corrected Cobblepot.

"Is," murmured Van Helsing. "For though he is dead, his spirit lives on. Can you not feel his presence in this very room now, yearning to return?"

Everyone jumped as the fire suddenly crackled, letting out a hiss. Van Helsing shivered.

"His lust for life was wonderful, Mr. Cobblepot," he whispered. "His body may be ashes, but his soul is not at peace. And he was a great man. If he is determined enough, and if those entrusted with him are foolish enough, he will rise again."

"We are here to ensure that is not going to happen, Abraham," murmured Wayne, quietly. "When you wrote to me to tell me of your illness, and how you had no heir to pass on the creature's remains to, I took it upon myself and my family to continue your life's work in protecting humanity from this evil. It would be my honor to help you in this matter."

"And can you assure me Mr. Cobblepot takes this matter as seriously as you do?" asked Van Helsing, looking steadily at Cobblepot.

Cobblepot shrugged. "I may not altogether believe everything about it, but I'm no fool. I'm not about to let just anyone have access to that thing," he said, nodding at the casket.

"Then we are agreed," murmured Van Helsing slowly, nodding. "I thank you, my friends. It is not an easy task you give yourselves, but it is for the greater good. If he were ever to return, to unleash his terror upon an unsuspecting public once more…it could be disastrous."

He held out the key to Wayne. Cobblepot beat him to it, taking the key from him and placing it in his pocket. "I'll look after it," he said.

Van Helsing gazed at him with his clear, blue eyes, and suddenly took his hand. "That is the key which guards the last earthly remains of Count Dracula, the most evil man who ever lived," he murmured, quietly but firmly. "Do not let it fall into the wrong hands."

**200 years later…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Gotham City - Present Day**

"Hey, that's a great story, Pengers," said the Joker, yawning.

"It's true, Joker!" exclaimed the Penguin, holding up a small key. "This is the same key entrusted to my predecessor, the key that will unlock the chest containing the remains of Count Dracula."

"Right. And you think that's worth two grand? Because frankly I think I'd rather take the money out of your hide if you lose than have a key to some chest containing the ashes of a guy who ain't even real," said Joker, shuffling the cards.

"He _was _real, Joker!" insisted Penguin. "That story has been passed down through my family from generation to generation."

"Yeah, and those kinds of stories are always true," said Two-Face. "Heck, my great-great-great grandfather was supposedly Benedict Arnold, but we don't really like to talk about that."

"Trust your ancestors to be two-faced, Harvey!" chuckled Joker, dealing out the cards.

"Look, this is worth much more than two thousand dollars!" snapped Penguin. "I'll even bring the chest to you! Now am I in or not?"

Joker sighed, taking the key from him and examining it. "Well, I guess it's a good joke – using a vampire's remains for your poker stake," he chuckled. "What do you think, Harvey?"

"Yeah, let him play," agreed Two-Face. "He ain't gonna win, so we ain't gonna be out any cash."

"I would not crow over your victory just yet, my dichotomous friend," retorted Penguin, looking at his hand.

A knock came on the door suddenly. "Sorry to interrupt the poker night, boys, but I thought you might want some snacks!" exclaimed Harley Quinn, entering the room a second later carrying a tray. "I brought chips and dip!"

"Thanks, Harl, now beat it," said Joker, reaching for the chips. Harley slapped his hand.

"I brought celery and carrot sticks for you, puddin'," she said, placing a plate of vegetables down in front of him.

"What? How come I can't have chips?" he demanded, rounding on her.

"Because we're both meant to be on a diet!" she snapped.

"I never agreed to that – it was your stupid idea, you dizzy dame!" he retorted.

"You called me fat," she snapped.

"Yeah, you are fat," he retorted.

"She's really not, J…" began Two-Face.

"She's got fat cheeks," interrupted Joker. "C'mere," he said, grabbing Harley's face and squeezing her cheeks. "See? Looks like a goddamn chipmunk. And she's got a fat chin. And a fat ass."

"And I thought as long as I was watching my weight, it would be good for puddin' to watch his cholesterol too," said Harley. "It's important, especially as you get older."

"I am not older!" snapped Joker.

"You're older than me," replied Harley.

"Look, just because you're suffering by starving yourself don't mean I'm gonna!" retorted Joker.

Harley folded her arms across her chest. "I ain't leaving, Mr. J, until that whole plate is clean," she said, nodding at the vegetables.

"You're gonna do what I say!" he shouted at her. "And if I wanna eat chips, I'm gonna damn well eat chips, and there's nothing you can do about it, you dumb broad!"

Harley seized the bowl of chips suddenly and tossed them out the window. "That's ok, Harley, we didn't want those anyway," muttered Two-Face, who had been about to grab a handful of chips.

Joker stood up slowly. "Excuse me, boys," he muttered, laying down his hand and glaring at Harley. "This will only take a minute."

He grabbed her arm and dragged her from the room, slamming the door behind him. Two-Face and Penguin heard punching and shouting, and Harley screaming, and then Joker yelling in pain. And then the screams and yells suddenly turned into shouts and moans of pleasure, and Two-Face sighed.

"This is gonna take more than a minute," he muttered, leaning back and lighting a cigar. "So you really believe in vampires, huh, Pengers?"

"I believe in this particular vampire, yes," retorted Penguin. "I am not normally a superstitious man, but there is something about that casket, Harvey. If you have seen it, and been near it, as I have…it feels…otherworldly. And…evil. You and I may do things which are considered wicked, but we are not evil, just men of business. Whatever is in that box is evil. And evil cannot be destroyed."

"That why Bats can never kill J?" asked Two-Face with a grin.

"My dear friend, I believe that is why we can never kill Batman," replied Penguin.

Joker re-entered the room at that moment, looking disheveled. "Sorry about that, boys, just got a little…carried away with the violence," he said. "And there's no better foreplay than that. I'm sure Batsy agrees," he chuckled, sitting back down.

"So you calling or what, J?" asked Two-Face.

"Ladies first, Harvey," replied Joker.

Two-Face sighed. "Two pair," he muttered, throwing down his cards.

"Four of a kind," said Penguin, laying down his own with a smug smile. "Joker?"

He beamed. "It's clearly my night, boys. Royal Flush. Read 'em and weep!" he giggled, putting down his hand.

"I can't believe his luck," muttered Two-Face, annoyed.

"The key is the poker face, Harv," said Joker, pointing to his grinning face. "If you always look pleased with your hand, people aren't gonna believe you got nothing. And I usually have an ace up my sleeve, anyway."

"That had better be a metaphorical ace," growled Two-Face.

Joker held up his hands and flicked a card out of his sleeve. "Only Jokers tonight, Harv," he chuckled, holding up the card. "And looks like the joke's on you, Pengers!" he exclaimed, seizing the key. "Your family vampire is mine now!"

Penguin glared at him. "Before I give you the chest, Joker, I have to seriously warn you that the consequences of…"

"Blah, blah, blah, sorry, Pengers, can't hear you over the sound of me winning," said Joker, beaming. "Plus I hear the word 'seriously' and I just tune out."

"This is not a joke, Joker…" began Penguin.

"Everything's a joke, Pengers," interrupted Joker. "The sooner you accept that, the sooner you might start winning poker games."

Penguin stood up. "If that…thing gets loose, it will not be a game," he growled. "It will be the end of Gotham City, and the Joker. Although frankly I think the former is a small price to pay if it ensures the destruction of the latter. Good evening to you."

"Geez, no need to be a sore loser, Pengers!" called Joker after him. "And hey, drop that casket thing over here tomorrow, would ya? I'm sure I can think up some joke for a dead vampire. Even if they don't really exist."

"You had better hope, for your sake, that they do not," muttered Penguin.


	3. Chapter 3

"Ow! Mr. J, do you have to leave this box of dirt right in doorway?" demanded Harley Quinn, as she rubbed her ankle.

"That ain't a box of dirt, Harl, that's the ashes of a vampire," chuckled Joker, as he sat on the sofa, smoking a cigar and smiling at the box.

"Well, does it have to be in the doorway?" she demanded, struggling to pick up the casket.

"That's where Pengers dumped it before he left because he's still sulking," chuckled Joker. "And I don't wanna go through all the effort of moving it myself. It's heavy."

Harley managed to lift the casket to the coffee table, dumping it with a gasp. "Geez, who thought ashes could weigh so much?" she gasped, collapsing on the sofa. The delayed realization suddenly struck her, and she looked at Joker.

"Did you say those were the ashes of a vampire?"

"Yeah," he said, nodding.

Harley shrieked, wiping her hands. "Urgh, and I touched them and everything! Jesus Christ, Mr. J, are you nuts?! What the hell do you mean bringing un-dead remains into our home, huh?! They're probably cursed or something! Probably bring us bad luck! And they're certainly gonna give me nightmares knowing that kinda crap's in our house! I hate all that occult stuff! Gives me the heebie jeebies!"

"Relax, you dumb broad, there's no such thing as vampires," retorted Joker. "It's just some stupid story Pengers made up. Those ashes, or so he says, belong to the one and only Count Dracula."

"Dracula? Like the guy from the movies?"

"Yeah. So y'see, nothing to worry about. Who's scared of some guy in a cape with a funny accent? He's just like Bats only lamer," he chuckled.

Harley shivered. "I dunno, Mr. J, I don't like the look of that thing," she murmured. "It gives me the creeps."

"Yeah, so does fish," retorted Joker. "And fish ain't scary."

"They are!" argued Harley. "Piranhas are scary. They'll strip the flesh off your bones in seconds!"

"Piranhas ain't scary – they're just miserable," retorted Joker. "Gloomy, unsmiling little bastards, ruining my ingenious schemes," he muttered.

"Aw, you ain't still upset over the Death of a Hundred Smiles, are ya, puddin'?" purred Harley, cuddling him. "Because I know how to make some smiles," she breathed, beaming at him.

"Not right now, Harley," he muttered, shoving her away. "I have to figure out what to do with old Drac here."

He put the key in the lock and opened the chest. They looked inside to see nothing but a small pile of dust.

"I guess you could clean it out and use it as a flower box," said Harley. "I could ask Red if she could loan you some geraniums or something."

Joker wiped his finger through the dust, holding it up. "Gee, I kinda hoped that something would happen if you opened the box. Like Pengers could have made a little vampire jack-in-the-box that popped out at you or something. As it is, it's just anti-climactic," he sighed, leaning back.

"I know how to make some climaxes, puddin'," cooed Harley, trying to cuddle him again.

"Look, just cool it, would ya, kid?" he demanded, shoving her away again. "I need to find some use for this thing."

He grinned, and then tapped his cigar so that the ashes fell into the box. "Ash tray!" he giggled. "And then I can go around telling everyone that the cigar ashes are the remains of some famous vampire! Probably what the guy who gave it to Pengers did in the first place!"

He chuckled, reaching for the lid to shut the box. He hissed in pain suddenly as his finger caught on the rusty edge. "Son of a…!" he exclaimed, drawing his bleeding finger away. But it was too late.

A drop of blood fell onto the dust at the bottom of the box. And suddenly a thick cloud of smoke began to bubble up from inside it. "Puddin'…" began Harley, clutching his arm as the smoke grew thicker, blacker, and more and more of it poured from the casket. This was suddenly accompanied by the sound of hundreds of voices screaming, and then one loud roar. The smoke began to take shape, and then became the form of a man, who suddenly whirled around to face them.

He was tall and thin and very handsome, dressed all in black, with a black cape. His dark hair was combed back from his white forehead, and his skin was exceptionally pale. And his bright, dark eyes seemed to blaze in their intensity as they looked from Joker to Harley in curiosity. Suddenly, they fixated on Joker's bleeding finger, and the fire in them ignited.

He was across the room in an instant, slamming Joker against the wall and hissing as he prepared to sink his teeth into his throat. He suddenly hissed again and released Joker, falling back and covering his eyes as Joker held up two crossed fingers.

"Thought that'd work!" he chuckled. "Saw it in a movie once! Gotta say, pal, that's quite an impressive entrance you made there. You always so dramatic? Not a hugely theatrical person myself, but different strokes for different folks, am I right?"

The man continued to hiss in fury. "Hide…it…please," he growled.

"Hide what? Oh, the red stuff?" chuckled Joker, holding up his bleeding finger again and chuckling. "That's what makes you go cuckoo, huh?" He popped his finger into his mouth and began loudly sucking on the blood. "Mmm, that's good drinking!" he chuckled. "But I'm afraid, pally, I'm the only guy who gets to drink my blood, you gotta understand that. Try it again, and there are gonna be a lot more finger crosses, get me?"

The man lowered his hands away from his face and nodded. Then he straightened up, stroking his hair back from his face and straightening his cape, which had become disordered.

"Forgive me, I…do not normally lose control of myself so completely," he murmured, in a soft, deep, resonant voice. "It has just been…a very long time since my thirst was quenched. Please allow me to introduce myself. I am…"

"Count Dracula," said Joker, nodding.

He looked puzzled. "You have heard of me?" he asked.

"Yeah, everyone kinda has," said Joker, grinning. "You're famous, Dracky, or didn't you know?"

"I am famous…in my home country of Transylvania…" began Dracula.

"Nah, you're famous worldwide!" laughed Joker. "There have been about a million movies made about you!"

"Movies?" repeated Dracula. "What is that?"

"Oh, that's right, how long have you been out of, Drac?" asked Joker. "Like two hundred years? You got a lotta catching up to do."

"Two hundred years?" murmured Dracula. "Is that how long I have been…absent?" He looked around. "Then this…this is the future. Where am I? Is this London? Your accent is strange to me…"

"Yeah, and your accent is strange to me!" chuckled Joker. "I thought you were gonna sound a lot more, y'know…like Dracula. I vant to suck your blood, blah blah blah!" he said, doing an impression of a Transylvanian accent.

"I…beg your pardon?" said Dracula, puzzled.

"Yeah, talking like that, you sound like some sort of limey," replied Joker.

"I…studied the English accent carefully for many years, so that I would blend in with the country when I invaded it," said Dracula, slowly. "I wished to sound as authentic as possible so they would not suspect my true origins and my true intentions. But your accent is…not English."

"Nah, American," said Joker.

"American?" he repeated. "So that country has…expanded? It showed much promise many years ago…has it overtaken England's empire?"

"Uh…the whole empire thing didn't really work out," said Joker, slowly.

"So I am in…America?" asked Dracula.

"Yep. Gotham City, one of the biggest and craziest cities in the whole US of A," said Joker, nodding.

"Well, that is…excellent," Dracula murmured quietly. "And…does everyone dress like a clown in America in the future?" he asked, looking from Joker to Harley.

Joker laughed. "No, only the cool kids!" he chuckled.

"And who are these cool kids?" asked Dracula, seriously.

"Um…me and Harley," said Joker, nodding. "It's kinda…a joke. I do that."

"I see. And you are?"

"I'm the Joker," said Joker, extending his hand. "And this is Harley Quinn."

"Pleased to…meetcha," stammered Harley, looking at Dracula warily. He took her hand and raised it to his lips, kissing it gently.

"My lady," he murmured. "It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"Yeah…same to you," said Harley, pulling her hand away hastily and embracing Joker tightly.

"Your wife?" asked Dracula, nodding at Harley.

"Uh…no," said Joker, slowly. "But she's…y'know. With me. We live together…she's my girlfriend."

"Girlfriend?" repeated Dracula, confused.

"We have sex," he explained.

"I…see," said Dracula, slowly. "And…those type of casual sexual relationships are permitted in the future in America?"

"Yeah, sure," replied Joker.

Dracula smiled. "Excellent," he murmured. "It appears I will fit in most admirably here."

He cleared his throat. "Would you mind terribly if I…explored the city?" he asked, gesturing to the window. "I am very…thirsty and would not wish to be so rude as to attack either of my hosts again."

"Oh yeah, be my guest," said Joker. "Just be careful. If you see some guy in a bat costume, you might wanna stay away from him."

"Bat costume?" repeated Dracula.

"He calls himself Batman," said Joker. "Got a few screws loose, if you know what I mean. He likes to go around beating up bad guys. And you are the original bad guy, ain't ya, Bela? Do you mind if I call you Bela?"

"My name is Dracula," he replied.

"Yeah, but I prefer Bela," said Joker.

"As you…wish," said Dracula, slowly. "I shall be wary of this…Batman, but if he believes he can best me in a fight, I am afraid he will be in for a nasty surprise. I have the strength of ten men, and the brain of centuries."

"Yeah, but do you have gadgets?" asked Joker.

"Um…no," said Dracula, slowly.

"Then _you_ might be in for a nasty surprise, Bela," chuckled Joker. "But it'll be a good joke anyway – Batman fighting a Bat-Man! You can turn into a bat, can't you, Bela?"

"I…can," said Dracula. "And a wolf, and mist, and…"

"Yeah, those ain't good gags, Bela," interrupted Joker. "Stick to the bat in Gotham City. It's a real theme here," he chuckled.

Dracula nodded, opening the window and climbing onto the ledge. "I shall see you soon, Mr. Joker. Miss Quinn," he said, nodding at them and leaping out. A moment later, a large bat flew across the moon, and disappeared into the night.

Joker laughed. "What a great gag!" he chuckled. "Old Bela loose in Batsy's city! Is he gonna be in for a surprise!"

"Mr. J…are you sure it's a good idea to let a vampire loose in Gotham?" asked Harley, slowly. "What if he starts turning other people into vampires?"

"Then the joke will spread, Harley," retorted Joker. "Don't worry – if it gets outta hand, I'm sure Batsy can handle this guy. He ain't so scary, after all. I mean, who's actually afraid of vampires?"


	4. Chapter 4

Catwoman landed on the roof, clutching the gold cat statuette and smiling smugly. A smile that faded an instant later when Batman landed in front of her, glaring at her.

"Thought I'd lost you," she muttered.

"I'm not so easy to lose," retorted Batman.

"Apparently," she replied. "Just like a man. Always around when you don't need him, and won't take no for an answer. Well, if you're planning on taking home a kitty, you're gonna have to take home both," she said, grinning as she held up the statuette.

"Just hand it over, Selina," murmured Batman. "Please."

"Aw, well, since you've asked so nicely, Bats," sighed Catwoman. "The answer's still no."

"I don't want to hurt you, Selina," said Batman, quietly.

"Don't worry," she said, grinning. "You won't."

Batman made a dive at her, which she avoided easily, leaping out of the way. "C'mon, Bats, catch the pretty kitty," she cooed, crouching opposite him. He leapt at her again as she sprang over him, landing on her feet on the edge of the roof.

"Gee, if you want it so bad, why don't you just go fetch it?" she asked, grinning as she held the statuette over the edge. Then she threw it far into the air. Batman raced after it, jumping off the rooftop and catching it as it fell. He landed on the ground.

"Thank you, Selina," he muttered. "I'll see you soon."

"Yes, you will," she purred, smiling until he was safely out of sight. Then she reached behind the chimney, where she had hidden the real statuette, and picked it up again. "Well, he's a dummy for falling for the dummy," she sighed, smiling.

Her face fell again when she heard a caped shape land behind her. "So, you're smarter than you look…" she began, expecting to see Batman. But that wasn't the caped man standing behind her.

Her eyebrows narrowed. "Who the hell are you?" she demanded.

The man grinned, displaying a set of white, sharp, pointed teeth. "Who the hell indeed?" he murmured. "My name is Count Dracula."

"Dracula?" she repeated. "Like the vampire?"

"Exactly so, yes," he murmured, smiling.

Catwoman snorted. "Look, there are a lot of costumed crazies in this town, and the last thing we need is one more. Plus it's not even an original idea, bat-like man in a cape. It's been done."

"Yes, so I've heard," he replied, nodding. "I hope to meet this Batman one day. Any man who so closely resembles my own image must have an intriguing mind."

"Well, keep up the stupid persona, and you'll meet him soon enough, I guarantee it," retorted Catwoman. "So what's your handle?"

"Handle?" repeated Dracula.

"Yeah. Joker's got his clown gag stuff, I've got the cat burglary. Ivy's got her plants, Two-Face has got his…twos. What's your spiel?"

"As you just said, I am a vampire," he replied.

Catwoman snorted again. "What, so you drink blood?"

"Yes. That is precisely what I do," he murmured.

Catwoman laughed. "Looks like Joker's gonna have some competition for craziest freak in Gotham," she muttered. "Too bad you're so nuts – you're not bad looking. But I can only handle so much crazy in a man, and Bats is pretty much my limit. Still, it was nice meeting you, Dracula," she retorted, about to jump off the roof. "See you around."

He caught her arm. "If you will permit me to say so, you are an extremely attractive woman," he murmured. "Miss…?"

"Kyle," she replied, grinning. "Selina Kyle. And like I said, Drac, flattered, but no."

She tried to pull her arm away, but his grip was iron. He dragged her slowly back toward him, despite her struggling. "I'm afraid I must insist on making your closer acquiantance, Miss Kyle," he murmured. "If you only knew the incredible, overwhelming lust flowing through every inch of my body, then I would like to think you would be more than willing to help me satisfy it."

"Bite me," retorted Catwoman, coldly.

He smiled. "I am grateful for your permission," he murmured. He suddenly ripped her head up by her hair and buried his teeth in her throat. Catwoman tried to scream, but it was cut off by his hand clapped firmly over her mouth. His other arm was wrapped around her body in a vise, so that struggling was useless. And as he continued to drink, Catwoman fet her strength deserting her, and her body becoming weaker and weaker.

He drew his mouth away at last with a gasp, throwing his head back and licking the blood that coated his lips and chin. Catwoman looked up at him through blurred vision as he smiled again. "I do apologize, Miss Kyle," he murmured. "It is so much more satisfying to feed on the victim once I have prepared her and when she is willing, but desperate times call for desperate measures. But I shall repay you for my haste by allowing you the honor of becoming the first of my new brides. You will live forever at my side, always young and beautiful, my eternal servant and lover, and my huntress to gather fresh prey for me when I wish to feed. You will be one of the few to survive when I have razed this city to the ground and turned all of its population into corpses or slaves. When my Empire of Darkness rises out of the night and claims victory over all who stand in my way. And if this Batman tries to interfere, he will be dealt with, swiftly and brutally. I am Count Dracula, the eternal conquerer. And I have returned."

He buried his teeth in her neck again, and darkness took Catwoman.


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey, Bela, there ya are! I was worried when you didn't come home last night!" exclaimed Joker as Dracula climbed through the open window the following night.

"I was occupied in setting up my new home in Gotham City," replied Dracula. "As a vampire, there are certain conditions I need in order to be able to rest when daylight comes. I will not bore you with details, but I have attended to my needs in that matter, and I have returned to you tonight merely to thank you for your help in returning me to life, and to bid you farewell."

"What, you're leaving?" asked Joker, his face falling. "But we didn't get to hang out at all!"

"I am not quite sure what you mean by hang out…"

"Aw, c'mon, Bela! You're like the original supervillain! We'd be great buddies if you'd just give our friendship a chance! We share a love of…capes and…evilness!"

"I have pressing business to attend to…" began Dracula, but Harley bounced into the room at that moment, having removed her clown makeup, and wearing nothing but a short, thin, red nightie.

"Bedtime, puddin'," she purred, throwing her arms around his neck and licking his cheek. "Your Harley girl is in the mood for a real, hard revving…oh…we got company," she stammered, noticing Dracula and flushing in embarrassment as she hid behind Joker. Dracula gazed at her, open-mouthed and completely awestruck.

"On second thought…perhaps there will be some benefit to me remaining in your company for the time being," he murmured.

"Oh no…you can go if you wanna, Mr. Dracula, don't wanna keep you…" stammered Harley.

"Harley! I wanna hang out with Bela!" snapped Joker, rounding on her. "Now go put some clothes on and bring us some popcorn! Bela's gotta get up to speed on all the stuff he's missed out on in two-hundred years. And that's a heck of a lotta vampire movies. C'mon, pal," he said, taking Dracula's hand and leading him into the living room.

"Miss Quinn is…a very attractive woman," murmured Dracula.

"Huh? Oh yeah, little fat, but you don't see me complaining," said Joker, shrugging as he rifled through his video collection. "Guess we oughta start with your namesake, huh, Bela?" he chuckled as he held up a tape. "This one won't scare you, but you'll see where all the Dracula impersonations come from."

Harley entered a moment later wearing a robe and carrying a bowl of popcorn. "You're meant to be on a diet, puddin'…" she reminded him.

"It ain't for me, it's for Bela," snapped Joker. "You like popcorn, doncha, Bela?"

"I am not in the habit of…consuming anything other than blood," said Dracula, slowly.

"Just say yes," snapped Joker, shoving the bowl at him. "Now beat it, Harl."

"Um…Mr. J…why don't we leave Mr. Dracula to watch the movie while you and I…uh…go to bed," said Harley, slowly.

"Because I wanna watch it, Harley," he retorted. "It's been ages since I've seen it, and it's a classic."

"But…puddin'…I wouldn't mind…having a word…" said Harley, slowly.

"Look, you ain't getting any sex tonight, so stop whining and deal with it," snapped Joker, turning up the volume on the TV. "Night, Harley."

"Night, Mr. J," she sighed, leaving the room. The doorbell rang at that moment and Harley went to answer it.

"Oh…hi, Red," she said, smiling at Poison Ivy. "What are you doing here?"

"I was meant to be at Selina's for drinks," replied Ivy. "But she's not answering her door. I was wondering if she told you she was going out of town or something that she might have forgotten to tell me."

"No, she didn't," said Harley, frowning.

"Oh well," said Ivy, shrugging. "She probably made last minute plans with the Bat. That's not so unusual – it's impossible to get him to commit to anything other than beating up psychos. Anyway, sorry to bother you, baby. You look like you're on your way to bed."

"Yeah, I was, Red," said Harley, nodding. "But…uh…" She looked over her shoulder at the living room and then whispered, "Can I talk to you privately for a second?"

"Of course, Harley," said Ivy as Harley joined her outside. "As long as it's not about you and the clown's bedroom antics."

"No, it's something a lot scarier than that," replied Harley.

"Impossible," retorted Ivy, dryly.

"I'm serious, Red," said Harley. "Y'see…Mr. J accidentally brought Count Dracula back from the dead, and now he don't want him to leave. But I don't want him in my house anymore. Something just…feels wrong about him. He gives me the creeps."

Ivy stared at her. "J did…what? How?"

"I dunno – it all happened really quickly," replied Harley.

"You mean you've got the real Count Dracula in there?" asked Ivy. "That vampire guy from the movies? I vant to suck your blood, blah blah blah, that one?"

"Yeah…he ain't a lot like he is in the movies," said Harley, slowly.

"Can I see him?" asked Ivy.

"I dunno if that's a good idea, Red…" began Harley, but Ivy had already pushed past her and headed for the living room.

"Harley tells me you've got a guest, J," said Ivy, entering the room. "Does he look a lot like Bela…" she began, but stopped talking immediately as her jaw dropped when Dracula turned to look at her.

"No, he does not," she murmured dreamily, smiling. "Hi, Dracula, is it? I'm Poison Ivy," she said, holding out her hand.

"My lady. It is an honor," he said, kissing her hand tenderly.

"Oh wow, love the accent," she murmured. "It's so much sexier than the one people say you have."

"Hey, beat it, Weed Lady!" snapped Joker, glaring at her as he munched on the popcorn. "I'm trying to get Bela up to speed with vampire movies!"

"Oh, well, I'm sure I can help with that," murmured Ivy, grinning at him. "I have a ton of vampire movies back at my place, if you wanna come take a look."

He grinned back. "My dear Miss Ivy, it would be my pleasure," he said, standing up.

"Night, J, see you later," said Ivy, taking Dracula's hand. "Night, Harley."

Dracula paused at the doorway, raising Harley's hand to his lips again. "Goodnight, my dear Miss Quinn," he murmured. "I look forward to seeing you again soon."

"Yeah…sure," stammered Harley, shivering. He smiled at her and then shut the door.

Joker laughed hysterically, shoving more popcorn into his mouth and heading back to the living room. "I love this guy!" he chuckled. "What a ladykiller!"

…

"So this biting stuff, that's pretty kinky," murmured Ivy, unlocking the door to her apartment and turning to smile at Dracula. "I don't mind a little kinky, y'know."

"And I very much like an independent woman who takes her own initiative with men," murmured Dracula, smiling.

"Then I think we're gonna get along just fine," said Ivy, shutting the door.

He seized her in his arms in an instant, kissing her wildly and pressing her against the door. "Does the biting…hurt?" gasped Ivy, clasping him tightly against her. "Not that I mind a little pain."

"I am told that, when the victim is willing, it is the most pleasurable sensation ever experienced," he whispered, licking slowly down her neck. He parted his lips and sank his teeth into her throat.

Ivy gasped, tightening her embrace and throwing her head back. "Oh…God! They weren't lying!" she exclaimed.

Dracula suddenly drew his mouth away, gazing at her in confusion. "What is it? What's wrong?" she asked.

"What…have you done to your blood?" he stammered. "It tastes…strange."

"Oh. That'll be the plant mutation," said Ivy, smiling. "Sorry, I should have mentioned that. Didn't know it would make me taste different, though. It's not unpleasant, is it?"

"It is…unusual," he said, slowly. "But…no, hardly unpleasant. More like a fine wine, actually. I do not believe I will be able to control myself," he sighed. "And I was hoping not to deprive myself of a willing victim so soon, but…you are irresistible, Miss Ivy. I'm afraid I will have to drain you dry."

"What…" began Ivy, but Dracula had already bit into her throat again, harder. He drank quickly and greedily, and it was only a matter of time before Ivy's body slumped to the floor.

"Never fear, my dear," he said, picking her up. "You will return to life and join Miss Kyle as my bride. You are both so very beautiful…but not as beautiful as Miss Quinn. She will be my consort, my immortal queen, and empress of the Un-dead, reigning forever by my side. For all eternity."


	6. Chapter 6

"Do you have an occupation, Mr. Joker?" asked Dracula the next evening as he sat watching another vampire movie with the Joker.

"Occupation? Yeah, I'm a criminal genius," retorted Joker.

"Indeed?" said Dracula. "And your…business never takes you away from home in the evenings?"

"Oh yeah, it does a lot," said Joker, nodding. "But Batsy's been preoccupied with the other guys lately, so I'm kinda giving him the cold shoulder."

"This is this…Batman you spoke of?" asked Dracula.

"Yep. The guy's my nemesis, and also my best friend. I'm sure you know how that kinda thing goes, being a fellow supervillain and all," said Joker. "You must have had one or two nemeses in your time, eh, Bela?"

"Yes…there was one man in particular who…sought to foil me at every turn," murmured Dracula. "A Dr. Abraham Van Helsing. I suppose he is dead now. It is a pity that time accomplished what I never could. I daresay with him gone, there is no one left to challenge me."

"Yeah, that's how I'd feel if Batsy ever went away," sighed Joker. "Y'know, he's your nemesis, but you love him, and you're very protective of him. If something happened to him, you wouldn't know what to do with yourself. And without Batman, crime has no punchline."

"Yes…indeed," murmured Dracula, smiling. He stood up. "Well, I must be off, Mr. Joker."

"What? But the movie ain't finished," said Joker.

"Riveting as it is, I have business to attend to," said Dracula, heading for the window. "Good evening to you, Miss Quinn," he murmured as Harley entered the room.

"Oh…thought you had gone," she stammered. "That is…uh…good evening, Mr. Dracula."

"What kinda business you gotta do, Bela?" asked Joker.

"Why do you keep calling me that?" he demanded, irritated.

"What, Bela? Cause Bela Lugosi played Dracula," replied Joker.

"Oh," said Dracula. "I thought you were referencing this Twilight thing I've heard about."

"This what?" asked Joker, confused.

"Aw, c'mon, Mr. J, get with the times!" said Harley. "I thought you meant Bella Swan too."

"Y'know, culture is wasted on you people!" snapped Joker, heading back to the living room. Harley was about to follow him when Dracula caught her arm.

"I will see you soon, Miss Quinn," he murmured.

"Don't take this the wrong way, Mr. Dracula, but I really hope not," she retorted, wrenching her arm away and racing after Joker.

Dracula smiled to himself and then leapt from the window, disappearing into the night.

He arrived at the abandoned church he had made into his hideout. The moment he entered the building, two white shapes raced to greet him, nuzzling against him affectionately like dogs.

"We missed you, Master," purred Selina Kyle.

"Tell us your will, Master," whispered Poison Ivy. Both of them were dressed in long, white nightgowns, and their flesh was white and pale, their lips redder than ever, and pulled back to reveal sharp, white teeth.

He petted them both fondly. "I have a task for you, my dears," he murmured.

"Anything, Master," murmured Selina.

"Ask and we obey, Master," said Ivy.

"Bring me the Batman," he said, quietly.

They both bowed, and then slipped out of the church and into the night.

…

Batman leapt from roof to roof, racing after the fleeing figure of the Scarecrow a fair distance ahead of him. He wouldn't catch him this way, Batman thought. He needed the advantage of…height.

He looked up and began climbing a nearby water tower. Scarecrow stopped running when he looked behind him and saw that he wasn't being pursued. He let out a sigh of relief, which was instantly checked as a caped figure landed in front of him.

"It's over, Scarecrow," muttered Batman.

Scarecrow smiled. "At the end of fear is oblivion, Batman," he murmured, raising his hand.

They both turned at a sudden hiss, and an instant later, two shapes jumped down from the water tower, landing on all fours in front of Batman. "Selina?" gasped Batman. "Ivy?"

The women certainly resembled Selina Kyle and Poison Ivy, but changed somehow. Their faces had turned hard and cruel, and their red lips were pulled back to reveal sharp, white teeth. They circled Batman with sinewy, seductive movements, grinning triumphantly.

Batman shook his head. "I won't succumb to your fear gas, Scarecrow," he growled.

"I…haven't…sprayed any fear gas yet," stammered Scarecrow.

"What…" began Batman, but Selina suddenly leapt upon him, knocking him to the ground.

"He's the one the Master wants," she hissed. "Come, sister. Let us take him and go."

"I'm thirsty, sister," growled Ivy. "Save him for the Master – let us feed on this one," she said, smiling at Scarecrow. She sprang forward and knocked him to the ground in an instant, bending down and bringing her mouth toward his throat.

Batman attempted to push Selina off him, but she had a strange, superhuman strength that kept him pinned down. "Leave him, sister," growled Selina in annoyance. "Master did not say to feed. Master said bring him the Batman. We must do as the Master commands."

With a growl of disappointment, Ivy drew her lips away from Scarecrow's throat. "Pity," she whispered, grinning at him and licking slowly up his cheek. "I am told virgin blood tastes the best."

Scarecrow watched in a daze as Ivy released him suddenly, and then took Batman's arm, lifting him to his feet with little effort. She restrained him with her equally superhuman strength as Selina secured Batman's hands in his handcuffs and wrapped a blindfold around his eyes. She then leapt off the rooftop, with Ivy and Batman following a second later.

"Well…I suppose that wouldn't have been an entirely unpleasant way to go," said Scarecrow to himself, slowly straightening up. "And it has solved my Bat problem. Although judging by what's happened to Ivy and Selina, it appears Gotham has an even bigger Bat problem to deal with."

…

The blindfold was removed at last, and Batman's eyes adjusted to the darkness. He saw the ruins of a church about him, and a makeshift throne set up on the altar. Seated on this throne was a strange-looking man, incredibly pale, with fiery eyes that studied him curiously. Ivy and Selina released him and then went over to cuddle against the man, clinging and nuzzling him like an affectionate pet. He shooed them away gently, standing up.

"So…this is the famous Batman," he murmured. "I had expected more."

"And you are?" asked Batman.

The man grinned, revealing the same white, sharp, pointed teeth Ivy and Selina had. "The original Bat-Man. Count Dracula, at your service."

"Dracula?" repeated Batman. "Impossible. Vampires don't exist."

Dracula laughed. "Oh, to have the foolish confidence of a mere mortal again!" he chuckled. "The unwarranted superiority, the self-assertion, the knowledge that he is safe in his own knowledge of what exists and what does not. Well, let me tell you, Batman, I have lived centures longer than you have, and seen and learned many things in that time. And mankind's knowledge is but a fraction of the truth which exists beyond your understanding. Your tiny minds could never cope with true knowledge. They would be driven mad."

"I hear a lot of madmen talk on a pretty regular basis," retorted Batman. "They don't impress me. And neither do you."

Dracula grinned. "I can see why he considers you a worthy foe," he murmured. "Your arrogance reminds me of my old rival, Dr. Abraham Van Helsing. He too believed that his knowledge was paramount, and that it would save him in the end. It did not. He is dead, and I live on."

"So what's your secret?" retorted Batman. "Even more arrogance?"

Dracula smiled. "Do you know your Bible, Batman? It is mostly a book of nonsense and gibberish, false promises from a false god. But there is one truth contained in it, in plain view, which humanity has ignored for centuries, while it has revered the infantile sermons of love and brotherhood from some lunatic claiming to be God's son. Leviticus 17:11 - 'For the life of the flesh is in the blood.'"

He snapped his fingers and Ivy rushed from the room, returning a moment later dragging a struggling man behind her. Dracula snapped his fingers again and she released him, while Selina joined her in circling the man. They both looked to Dracula, who nodded. In an instant, both of the women had leapt upon the man, hiding him from view. Batman heard a scream of agony, and then another sound…like drinking.

His horror grew when Ivy and Selina straightened up at last, blood dripping from their lips and staining their clothes. Dracula beckoned them back and they obeyed, nuzzling against him again. "The blood is the life, Batman," murmured Dracula, wiping his finger across Selina's lips and licking the blood from it slowly. "The blood is eternal life."

He stood up, approaching Batman. "I have no quarrel with you, Batman," he said. "I respect you for choosing to base your identity on my persona. But I have pressing business which needs my urgent attention, and one man stands in the way of my accomplishing this business. This man must be removed from my path, and I know the one thing that will ensure this is your pain. So I must hurt you, Batman, but please understand it is nothing personal."

Dracula suddenly punched him the chest. Batman gasped in pain. He could feel the man's fist power through his armor. Dracula struck him again, colliding with his flesh this time and making Batman's head spin. Another blow knocked him the ground.

"When he loses consciousness, leave him in front of the hospital," murmured Dracula to Selina and Ivy. "I do not want him dead. But I do want it to be known that he's in there."

And with another blow, Batman's world went black.


	7. Chapter 7

The hospital doors were thrown open. "Where is he?!" cried the Joker, racing down the hall and shoving doctors out of the way. "I came straight over when I heard the news! How is he?! He's gonna pull through, ain't he?! Does he need mouth to mouth?! I can do that!"

"Mr. Joker, Batman is perfectly fine," said one doctor nervously, intercepting him. "In fact, we allowed him to be released a few hours ago. He had some minor cuts and lacerations, but his armor took most of the damage, and he's a strong man who recovers quickly."

Joker beamed. "Well, thank goodness for that, eh, Doc?" he chuckled, clapping him on the back. "The news was making it out to be so serious, but they're a miserable bunch, ain't they? All doom and gloom!"

He laughed, lighting a cigar. "Still, as long as I'm here, seems a shame not to do a gag, huh?" he asked, looking around.

"Uh…a gag?" stammered the doctor.

"Yeah. Here, have a cigar," said Joker, offering one to him.

"No, thanks…this is a hospital," said the doctor slowly.

"Yeah, which means some guy somewhere in here is a Daddy right?" asked Joker. "Traditional to have cigars when a guy has a kid. C'mon, Doc, gotta respect tradition!"

"I really don't think it's appropriate…"

"Gee, Doc, you and the media both need to lighten up!" exclaimed Joker, shoving a cigar into his mouth and lighting it. The cigar exploded and people began screaming and panicking. "Just as I thought!" chuckled Joker over the chaos. "Can't take a joke! What about the rest of you guys? Wanna hear a real gasser?" he giggled, spraying gaseous Joker toxin from the flower in his button hole.

He cackled gleefully at the dying laughter as he strolled from the hospital. "Ah, in desperate times like these, it's important to have a few laughs!" he chuckled. "Glad my trip over here wasn't a total waste. And I guess it was good to get outta the house."

…

Harley Quinn was glancing nervously out of the window, waiting for the Joker to return. She clutched something tightly in her hand as her heart beat nervously in terror. She had begged Mr. J to let her come with him to the hospital, but he had completely panicked when he heard about Batman and had just raced out of the house without listening to a word. Harley had immediately locked the doors and bolted the windows, but she had seen enough vampire movies to know that wasn't going to do any good.

"Good evening, Miss Quinn. I did promise to see you soon," murmured a voice from behind her.

She whirled around with a gasp to see Dracula standing behind her. "How did you get in here?" she demanded, hoping she sounded more aggressive than scared.

"I am a man who goes where he pleases and takes what he likes," said Dracula, smiling at her. "And I like you very much, Miss Quinn."

"You stay away from me!" snapped Harley, holding up the garlic bulb she clasped in her hand. "Or this thing goes in your face! And I know you get a pretty bad allergic reaction to it!"

"My dear Miss Quinn, there is no need to be uncivil," murmured Dracula. "You must understand that I am only trying to help you."

"Help me?" repeated Harley.

"Yes. I wish to help you live forever, in an eternity of pleasure and love, at my side," murmured Dracula.

"I ain't interested, all right?" snapped Harley. "I got a boyfriend."

Dracula smiled. "What you have got is a man who regards you so little that he will not even marry you and make an honorable woman out of you."

"He is gonna marry me," snapped Harley. "Someday."

"I admire your optimism," replied Dracula. "But unlike me, you do not have all the time in the world. Why waste it waiting for something that is never going to happen?"

"It _is_ going to happen," insisted Harley. "Mr. J loves me."

Dracula smiled. "Let me explain to you what I understand of love, Miss Quinn. I have lived a lot longer than you have and I have experienced many things that you have not. I too have been in love, a very passionate and committed relationship with a beautiful woman, many years ago now. Her name was Elizabeth. We were everything to each other. She was my world, and I was hers. Do you know what happened to Elizabeth, Miss Quinn?"

Harley shook her head. "She died," murmured Dracula. "As people do. I was very upset at the time, completely inconsolable. But as time passed, the pain grew less. I began to forget our love. And when a few years had gone by, I found another woman who brought me just as much joy and happiness as Elizabeth had. But I grew tired of her, so found another one, and another. And so you see I learned about love, Miss Quinn. I learned that it is nothing. The most meaningless thing in the world. It never dies because it can always be found again in another person. That was the lesson I learned from my love. And then many years afterward, Elizabeth…came back from the dead. At first I was overjoyed, and we were happy again, as we once were. But then, as time passed…things began to go wrong. I spent so much time with her that I began to despise her. By the end, we hated each other, and I destroyed her gladly, laughing as I did so. That is the true end of love, Miss Quinn. Death, and hatred. That is what all love eventually transforms into."

"That's not true," retorted Harley. "I could never hate Mr. J. Even if we were together forever. I would never hurt him."

Dracula smiled. "My dear, if I command you to, you will," he murmured, approaching her.

"I told you to stay away!" shouted Harley, holding up the garlic bulb. "Now just back off!"

"I do admire your spirit, Miss Quinn," he whispered. "But if you think I cannot outwit you, you are sadly mistaken."

Harley shrieked suddenly as a bat flew through the window, knocking the garlic from her hand. Dracula had seized her wrists in an instant, slamming her against the wall. "I am going to savor you, my dear," he whispered. "I have been forced into haste since arriving here, but I much prefer to take my time and enjoy the slow sense of surrender from my prey, as their defiance turns into submission," he murmured, sliding a finger down her throat and tilting her chin up. "My kiss will start to slowly affect your mind, enslaving your wills and desires to serve my own. You may try to fight against it, but the poison will gradually consume your mind and body and soul, making you into one of my creatures, my slave, and my bride for eternity."

"I won't ever be…anyone's bride but Mr. J's," gasped Harley, trying not to let her terror show.

"Look into my eyes, Harley," he whispered. "Look into them, and lose yourself in them."

Harley shut her eyes tightly, but Dracula tightened his grip on her wrists, making her cry out in pain. She opened her eyes to meet his, and was immediately transfixed. "You are mine now," whispered Dracula. "You will obey only me. You are a slave to my will. Now just relax and enjoy the kiss of eternity," he whispered, bringing his lips down to her throat.

He bit down and Harley screamed in pain. She continued to scream and writhe and struggle against him, until she was too weak to fight anymore. Dracula drew away, tilting her chin up again. "Look into my eyes," he repeated. "You are mine now, are you not, Harley?"

Harley shook her head, shutting her eyes tightly, gasping and moaning in pain and clutching her head. There was some struggle going on inside her. "No," she gasped. "No, no, no…"

"Harley, look!" commanded Dracula, seizing her chin and forcing her eyes into his. "Tell me you're mine!"

Harley let out a sob, and a final scream of agony. And then something in her eyes changed, and she gave him a small smile. "I…always liked pale guys," she whispered.

Dracula grinned, and then bit into her throat again. Harley moaned, pressing him tighter against her. "Oh, hurt me, Mr. D," she whispered. "Please hurt me some more."


	8. Chapter 8

"You'll be relieved to know Bats is fine, Harl," said Joker, opening the door to their bedroom later that night. "Just a couple bruises. I've given him worse. Still, that was a bit of a fright, wasn't it?"

Harley was gazing dreamily out the window. "Hey, you listening, you dumb broad?" demanded Joker. "I said Bats is all right! Ain't you glad?"

"Sure, Mr. J," she breathed, turning to face him and smiling. "Let's go to bed."

"Doncha wanna take your makeup off first?" he asked.

"It is off, Mr. J," she replied.

"Really? You still look a little pale," he said. Then he shrugged, and began changing into his pajamas. "Wonder who could've done that to Bats," he said. "None of the guys tend to really hurt him – he usually just kicks their asses. Must have been some tough bastard to be able to take him. And he better hope I don't get my hands on him. Nobody hurts Bats, really hurts Bats, but me."

He climbed into bed, and Harley was on top of him in an instant, licking down his neck. "Hey, easy, slugger!" he snapped, trying to push her off. "I hate it when you get like this. Not tonight, ok, kid?"

Harley ignored him, breathing harder as she parted her lips against his throat. "I said not tonight!" shouted Joker, punching her hard across the face. Harley didn't even flinch as she licked his neck again, panting.

"Huh…that's always worked before," said Joker, shocked. He suddenly noticed Harley's neck, where two, small puncture wounds were barely visible. And the realization suddenly struck him.

He crossed his fingers and Harley leapt back, hissing in pain and shielding her eyes. "Where is that son of a bitch?!" shouted Joker, jumping out of bed and storming down the hall. "Bela! Where the hell are you?!"

"No need to shout," said a voice from the living room. Joker entered to see Dracula calmly seated in front of the TV, watching a vampire film. He turned to smile at Joker. "How may I help you, my friend?"

Joker struck him a harsh blow to the face. "Harley's mine, all right, you un-dead jerk?!" he shouted. "So fangs off my property!"

Dracula was on his feet in an instant, seizing him around the throat and lifting him off the ground. "Don't you dare threaten me, you pathetic little man!" he hissed, eyes blazing. "I could choke the life out of you right now if it amused me to do so!"

He threw Joker across the room and into the opposite wall. "But it does not amuse me to do so," continued Dracula. "It amuses me much more to let you live, and enjoy your powerlessness when you see that the woman who loved you is mine now forever. Harley, come!" he shouted.

"Yeah…you talk big," muttered Joker, climbing slowly to his feet. "But I'm used to being thrown around by guys in capes. If you wanna hurt me, Bela, you're gonna have to try a little harder."

Dracula grinned. "How's this, then?" he murmured as Harley entered the room. "Harley, kiss me," he commanded.

Harley came over to Dracula and kissed him passionately. "Harley, what are you doing?!" demanded Joker, furiously. "Daddy says stop it right now!"

"She doesn't listen to your orders anymore," murmured Dracula, stroking her hair and smiling. "She has a new master now. Isn't that right, Harley?"

"Yes, Master," murmured Harley, dazedly.

"Harley!" shouted Joker, seizing her by the shoulders and shaking her. "Harley, c'mon, snap outta it! You're mine, you dumb broad, you always have been and you always will be! Harley! Harley, listen to me!"

"I don't listen to anyone…but Master," murmured Harley.

"No, you're gonna listen to Daddy!" shouted Joker, angrily. "You're gonna wake up from whatever spell he's got you under right now! My Harley girl ain't gonna let some dead guy order her around! She don't let anyone but her Mr. J order her around!"

Harley just stared blankly back at him. "Harley," he repeated, tenderly. "Harley, c'mon. It's puddin'."

A flicker of recognition shone in Harley's eyes. "Puddin'?" she breathed, raising a hand to his face and smiling. Then panic seized her, and she grasped his hands tightly. "You gotta save me, puddin', please!" she cried. "I don't wanna be like this…please save me from him!"

"Harley, silence!" commanded Dracula, and she instantly obeyed, her eyes becoming clouded and dreamy once more.

"Yes, Master," she whispered.

Joker glared at Dracula. "I'm gonna have to insist that you let the lady go, Bela," he muttered. "Or it won't be funny."

Dracula smiled coldly. "What sort of power do you think you have over me?" he murmured. "I have lived for centuries, conquering nations and enslaving humanity. You are a mere mortal."

"That's where you're wrong, Bela," he retorted. "I'm the Joker."

Dracula grinned. "And I am Count Dracula," he said. "I wonder which name inspires more fear."

"What, in this century?" said Joker. "I'll think you'll find it's the Joker."

Dracula continued to smile at him, and then held out his hand. "Come, Harley," he said. "We're leaving. You will not be able to follow us, Mr. Joker – I can control the mist and it will conceal our route. And if you try to find us, I will order Harley to feast on your blood."

"Yeah, sounds fun," agreed Joker. "We _should_ meet up for dinner sometime soon. I'll bring the stakes."

Harley took Dracula's hand and he lifted her off her feet, leaping from the window. A moment later, a cloud of fog enveloped the entire area. Joker watched from the window, sighing heavily and turning away. "Is there no honor among supervillains?" he muttered. "Well, I can handle some freak in a cape who thinks he's a bat. I do it all the time."

He wished he felt as confident as he sounded.


	9. Chapter 9

"Somehow I don't think movies are gonna help with this guy," said Joker to himself, turning off the TV. "He ain't much like he is in the movies. Maybe Hollywood should consider being more accurate with their source material, so that when instances like this arise and a guy has to deal with a real vampire, he knows what he's supposed to do. I mean, how am I supposed to find a vampire? Just check out all the creepy churches in Gotham? That could take weeks!"

He thought for a moment, and then picked up the telephone, dialling a number. "Hello?" said a voice on the other end.

"Pengers! It's me! How ya doing?"

"Joker. You opened the box, didn't you? And the vampire came back somehow? I did warn you to be careful, didn't I?"

"Hey, I didn't know Penguins were psychic!" chuckled Joker. "How do you know that?"

"Johnny Crane has been phoning around babbling about Selina and Ivy being turned into vampires. Any of us could be next. Most of the sensible rogues are skipping town. I trust that doesn't include yourself."

"What, you're running away?" asked Joker. "Aw, c'mon, Pengers, I need your help! You must know how to stop this guy! What's-his-name, Da Vinci, must have told your ancestor about what to do if he ever got loose!"

"Do you mean Van Helsing?"

"Yeah, Da Vinci, Van Helsing, same difference."

"If he did, that is not a part of the story that has been passed down to me. And as you so helpfully reminded me, my family vampire is yours now. He's your problem, Joker."

"But Pengers, the Dracula movies ain't very helpful in dealing with this guy! You're my only hope now that Hollywood's failed me!"

"Perhaps you should try reading a book," retorted Penguin.

"I ain't got time for that!" snapped Joker. "Drac's got Harley! I don't think she's completely vampirized yet, but it's only a matter of time. I need to find this guy now before he ruins my joke forever! Harley Quinn vampire? What kinda stupid gag is that?!"

"I'm just boarding my flight, Joker. But if you need to contact me again, I shall be in the Galapagos Islands examining rare varieties of tropical birds. I am also reliably informed that there is no phone reception in the jungle, so contacting me will be impossible. Ta ta."

Penguin hung up. "So much for the Cobblepots not being cowards," muttered Joker. "Well, if he ain't gonna help, I just gotta go find the other guy he mentioned in that story of his. Fortunately, all of Gotham knows where he lives!" he chuckled, heading out the door.

…

Alfred opened the door in response to the frantic knocking. "May I help…" he began, but his normally calm and placid face suddenly assumed a look of horror as he saw who the visitor was.

"Yeah, hiya Jeeves, is Bruce around?" asked the Joker, pushing past him and into Wayne Manor. "I kinda need to speak to him right away. It's an emergency."

"Master…Bruce is resting," said Alfred, slowly recovering his composure.

"What, at this time of day?" said Joker, checking his watch. "It's past noon! Ah, for the life of the rich and famous!" he chuckled. "Probably out late at some party last night, huh? Well, I hate to disturb his beauty sleep, but I really need you to wake him up, Jeeves, and say that the Joker needs to see him urgently."

"If you will wait in the study, sir, I will see what I can do," said Alfred, leading Joker down the hall. He opened a door, gesturing inside. "Please make yourself comfortable."

"Gee, thanks, Jeeves," said Joker, whistling. "Nice place Brucie's got here. I'll try not to touch anything!" he chuckled. "Oh, and if you're stopping by the kitchen before you wake Bruce up, I'll have a scotch on the rocks."

"Very good, sir," muttered Alfred, shutting the door.

Joker looked around the room, his eyes finally resting on the picture of Bruce's parents. "So that's Thomas and Martha Wayne," he said, reading the plaque. "Gee, they look so boring and unimportant! You'd think they'd be more impressive to look at, considering half of Gotham is named after 'em!" he chuckled, pulling out a cigar and striking a match on the portrait to light it. "Boy, I bet they'd be proud of ol' Brucie today. Living the high life night after night – every man's dream really! Not for me, though – I get bored. And speaking of bored…" he said, opening the door. "Wonder if Jeeves or Brucie would mind if I did a little exploring."

He walked down the hall, examining more pictures of the Wayne family. "Ah, that's Da Vinci's friend!" he exclaimed, stopping at a portrait of Solomon Wayne. "Looks like a pretty humorless guy. Y'know, if you ask me, surrounding yourself with a bunch of pictures of dead people is just plain creepy," he said, continuing down the hall. "All those dead eyes staring at you, day after day…it's a wonder ol' Brucie hasn't gone nuts!"

Joker opened another door, entering the library. "Oh great. Books," he said. "Wonder if Brucie has read any of these. And I wonder if any of these tell ya how to find a vampire."

He scanned the shelves for a moment but quickly lost interest, looking around the room again and puffing on his cigar. "Hey, nice clock!" he exclaimed, heading over to the far wall and studying a large grandfather clock. "Aw, ain't that cute?" he said, reaching out to touch the hands. "There's a little bat at the top of the face here!"

"Don't touch that!" snapped a voice suddenly. Joker turned to see Bruce Wayne standing in the doorway, dressed in his bathrobe and clutching an icepack to his head, and hoping his face didn't betray his panic at seeing Joker about to reveal the entrance to the Batcave. "It's an antique."

"Hey, Brucie, good to see you again!" said Joker, coming over to him and holding out his hand. "Remember me?"

"I remember enough about you to know I'm not going to shake your hand," retorted Bruce.

"Probably wise," chuckled Joker, removing the joy buzzer from his glove. "Well, I ain't really got time for a lotta small talk, but…what have you done to your head?" he asked as Bruce adjusted the ice pack, revealing a large bruise.

"Uh…knocked it against a diving board at a pool party the other night," invented Bruce, quickly.

"Oh, how exotic!" giggled Joker. "You rich people with your pool parties! Have you got a pool? Can I see it?"

"Is that why you're here?" asked Bruce. "To see my pool?"

"Nah, but swimming's always fun," said Joker, shrugging. "I'm actually here because I need your help, Bruce. You ever hear about a guy called Da Vinci?"

"Leonardo Da Vinci?" asked Bruce, confused. "Yes, I…"

"No, no, no, not that one," interrupted Joker. "Guy who fought Dracula in some book?"

"…Maybe the book _Dracula_?"

"Might be it," said Joker, nodding. "Anyway, this Da Vinci…"

"Do you mean Van Helsing?"

"Yeah, that's the one," said Joker. "Apparently he knew your great-great-grandaddy, Solomon Wayne, and entrusted him with Dracula's ashes. You ever hear this story?"

"I have heard…something of the kind," replied Bruce. "Why?"

"Well, see, the thing is, Bruce, by a strange twist of fate, and not pointing any fingers, Dracula's come back to life. And he's got something of mine that I kinda want back. And I was just wondering if Da Vinci gave Solomon any kinda info that would help with…y'know…making the un-dead a bit more…dead."

Bruce looked at him. "Follow me," he said, leaving the room and heading for the stairs.

"Mr. Joker? Your scotch, sir," said Alfred, handing the drink to him in the hall.

"Gee, thanks, Jeeves!" said Joker. "Ya got great service here, Bruce, you know that?"

"I do," said Bruce, nodding as they climbed the stairs. They reached the second floor and kept climbing, until they reached a door at the very top of the house. Bruce unlocked this and they entered the attic, a large, dusty chamber with various bits of junk shoved into corners. Bruce went over to one of these and opened an old, leather chest. "According to the stories, this was Van Helsing's chest which contains all the lore and tools he'd collected for vampire hunting," said Bruce, picking up some papers and scanning them.

"And what's this?" asked Joker, reaching inside and pulling out a soft, leather pouch. He opened it up to reveal a hammer and several stakes, a few cloves of garlic, a small golden crucifix, and a silver flask.

"Obviously some sort of vampire hunting kit," said Bruce.

"Yeah? You think this was Da Vinci's liquid courage for fighting vampires?" asked Joker, holding up the flask.

"I think it's probably holy water," replied Bruce.

Joker opened the flask and took a sip. "Tastes like regular water to me," he said, shrugging. "And I prefer scotch anyway," he said, downing his glass. "What do the notes say?"

"Any of those weapons are effective for repelling a vampire, but only a stake driven through the heart will truly destroy it," read Bruce. "The head must also be struck off the body."

"I can do that," said Joker, nodding. "Only problem is, I dunno where he's staying at the moment. Does it have any tips on popular vampire hangouts?"

"The vampire can only rest in unconsecrated ground," read Bruce. "For example, an unholy church, or a church which has been blasphemed with unholy ceremonies. He can also only enter places into which he has been invited before."

"What? But who would be crazy enough to invite Dracula in anywhere?" asked Joker.

"You obviously were," retorted Bruce. He thought for a moment. "You occasionally read about some weird, satanic cults active in Gotham, performing creepy ceremonies in abandoned churches. They're mostly just harmless nutcases obsessed with the occult, but a few years ago, if I recall correctly…"

He pulled out his smartphone and did a search. "Yes. A few years ago a group of them were arrested for performing a human sacrifice in a church downtown. It was a young girl, late teens, virgin, and the cultists were hoping that by spilling and consuming her blood, they would be able to summon…the Prince of Darkness. The police assumed that meant Satan…according to one of cultists, a Mr. R. M. Renfield…'The time for the Master's return is nigh. The Master will consume the world in fire and blood. The Master is coming.'"

Bruce paused. He had heard 'the Master' before, and so had Joker. He looked up at Joker. "What if the Prince of Darkness wasn't Satan?" he murmured. "What if it was…Dracula?"

"It would mean he'd been invited to that church before," said Joker. He beamed. "Aw, Brucie, you rival the Bat for World's Greatest Detective!" he chuckled, clapping him on the back. "You don't mind if I keep this handy kit, do ya? I have a feeling I'm gonna need it."

"Be my guest," said Bruce.

"Oh, one more thing, before I get outta your hair," said Joker. "Do the notes say anything about what happens when people are bitten by vampires?"

"Um…" said Bruce, leafing through them. "If a person is victimized by a vampire, he or she is doomed to become one, unless proper precautions are taken, such as burning the body so it cannot rise again or, if possible, destroying the vampire who fed on them before the transformation process is finished. Once the transformation into a vampire is complete, there is no known way of reversing the effect. The best course of action is to destroy the vampire shell and leave the immortal soul to be at peace in eternity."

"So…once a person becomes a vampire…there's no saving them?" asked Joker, slowly.

"Apparently not," replied Bruce.

Joker sighed. "Right. Better hope that I'm not too late, or I'm gonna need to find myself a new henchgirl."


	10. Chapter 10

Bruce had never been more stunned or terrified in his life than when Alfred had woken him up with the words, "Sir, the Joker is downstairs."

Except when he had seen the Joker nearly open the entrance to the Batcave. After he had left, Bruce asked Alfred to also fix him a strong drink to steady his nerves after his shock, and then to prepare his evening wear. He wasn't about to let Joker tackle Dracula alone. It wasn't going to end well for anyone.

Joker was approaching the entrance to the church when a black shape suddenly dropped down behind him. He whirled around, stake raised, then let out a sigh of relief.

"Jesus Christ, Bats, don't sneak up on a guy like that!" he exclaimed. "You nearly got a stake in the eye! Though I guess it would help with that black eye ya got, huh?" he chuckled.

Batman stared at him, puzzled. "…What?"

"It's a joke," said Joker. "Stake, steak, get it? You put raw steak on a black eye to make the swelling go down."

"No, you don't," retorted Batman. "It's medically dangerous."

"The hell it is!" snapped Joker. "It's worked for me for years! It's like a miracle cure! Ah, never mind. Comedy gold wasted on the uneducated," he muttered. "Anyway, what are you doing here?"

"I've been hunting Dracula too," retorted Batman. "Ever since he beat me up."

"That was him?!" exclaimed Joker. "That jerk! Attacking both my dame and my nemesis! I tell ya, that's low. And after I brought him back to life and everything! Uncool, as the kids say."

"I'm sure they don't," retorted Batman. "He's got Harley?"

"Yeah. And apparently I have to act fast if I don't want her to end up permanently vampirized. And there's no joke in vampires – they ain't funny. Old Bela's got even less of a sense of humor than you, Bats."

"Bela…"

"That's what I call Dracula. Cause of Bela Lugosi – apparently there's another one."

"We're going to need a plan once we get in there," murmured Batman.

"Plan? You nuts, Bats? It's daylight," said Joker. "Bela will be sound asleep. All we gotta do is stay quiet, sneak up on him, and ram this thing here through his heart," he said, holding up the stake. "Piece of cake."

Batman sighed, following Joker into the church. He sincerely doubted it would be.

Rays of sunlight dappled the church floor, the few which managed to squeeze between the boards across the windows anyway. They provided enough light for Batman and Joker to see the outline of three large boxes placed around the altar, and on top of the altar itself, one box bigger than the others.

Joker put a finger to his lips as he tiptoed down the aisle with Batman following. They peered into one of the boxes, where Poison Ivy lay on a bed of dirt. Her eyes were shut and she appeared to be asleep, except that she wasn't breathing.

"You think that means she's a real vampire now?" whispered Joker.

"Yes," whispered Batman. "I think it does."

His gaze traveled over to the neighboring box, where Selina lay, also not breathing. His heart sank in anguish, but this was immediately replaced by panic as Joker shouted, "Aw, dammit!" loudly, his voice echoing around the church.

"Shut up!" hissed Batman, clapping a hand over his mouth.

"Sorry," whispered Joker. "But I just realized something. I ain't thought of a good gag for killing vampires. Can't stake 'em without a punchline."

"I think desperate times call for desperate measures," muttered Batman. "Skip the jokes."

Joker stared at him. "Skip the jokes?" he repeated. "Do you know who I am?! That's like telling you to stop the brooding!"

"Just try," hissed Batman. "For me."

Joker nodded slowly. "All right, Bats. For you."

He put the stake on Ivy's heart and raised the hammer. Batman seized his hand suddenly. "No," he murmured. "I don't want you killing her or Selina."

"Aw, c'mon, Bats, it'll be fun!" said Joker. "Anyway, we need practice for the big one…"

"I said no, Joker," repeated Batman. "There may yet be a way to save them. I might be able to come up with some sort of antidote to the vampire toxin."

Joker sighed heavily, but removed the stake. He headed over to the next box, where Harley lay. Joker checked her pulse. It was still beating, and her chest rose and fell faintly. "She's still alive," he murmured.

"But not for long," said a voice from behind them. They turned to see Dracula standing there, smiling. "Her life will terminate at the setting of the sun, and she will rise again as my un-dead bride, immortal, forever young, and forever beautiful."

"Just because you look young don't mean you are," retorted Joker. "And frankly, I think you're past your prime, grandpa."

Batman and Dracula looked at him. "I don't get to call many people old," explained Joker. "I just enjoy the novelty. Anyway, ain't it past your bedtime, pops?"

"I was rudely awakened by the sound of intruders," replied Dracula. "Terrible manners, I must say. It's time you were taught some respect."

He snapped his fingers and suddenly Ivy and Selina leapt from their coffins. Selina seized Batman's arms and bent them behind his back, restraining him, while Ivy did the same to Joker. "Awaken, Harley, my dear," murmured Dracula softly, and Harley's eyes fluttered open. She rose slowly and came over to Dracula.

"What is your will, Master?" she murmured.

"I want you to kill these men," said Dracula. "They have displeased me. Drain them dry. Start with the clown."

"As you wish, Master," whispered Harley, turning to face Joker. She approached him with vacant eyes.

"Harley. Harley, listen to Daddy," said Joker. "I know my Harley girl's still in there somewhere, and my Harley girl would never hurt me, no matter what some un-dead creep told her to do."

Harley didn't respond, tilting Joker's neck up and baring his throat. "Harley, you don't wanna ruin your diet, do you?" asked Joker. "All that blood's gotta be pretty fatty, huh? You don't wanna get fat, do ya? I won't keep a fat dame."

"Stop…stop calling me fat…Mr. J," she stammered, recognition flickering in her eyes again. "I ain't fat…I…"

She clutched at her head. "I dunno what's happening to me!" she cried.

"Harley, obey me!" shouted Dracula.

"No, obey me!" retorted Joker. "She was mine first, you blood-sucking jerk! Her mind belongs to me! I broke it, not you! She's mine!"

"Stop it!" shrieked Harley, squeezing her eyes shut and covering her ears. "Stop it, you're making me confused!"

During the distraction, Batman suddenly slammed his head back, making Selina release his grip on him. He whirled around, pulling out a cross and making her shrink back, hissing. He aimed it at Ivy, who released Joker, and then Dracula, who stepped back, glaring at him.

"It is useless to resist," he murmured. "The girls whom you love are mine already, and they are just the first. Soon we shall swarm over this city and create an Empire of the Un-dead…"

"What did I tell ya about empires, Bela?" demanded Joker, pulling out the flask. "They don't work out!"

He threw the water at him. It landed on Dracula's skin, and he hissed in pain as it began to burn him, steam rising off his flesh. Joker grabbed his crucifix. "Hold off the dames!" he shouted at Batman. "I'll take care of Bela."

Batman obeyed, keeping the cross aimed at Selina and Ivy, who cowered in fear, hissing in fury. Dracula backed away down the aisle with Joker following, until he reached the door of the church. Joker grinned. "What're you gonna do now, Bela?" he murmured. "You can't go outside in the daylight."

In response, Dracula raced out of the doors. Joker stared after him, open-mouthed. "He _can _go out in the daylight?!" he demanded furiously, throwing down his crucifix. "Is anything in the movies true?!"

"Mr. J!" gasped Harley, falling to her knees. "Help…me!"

Joker rushed over to her, catching her as she fainted. "Don't you worry, kid," he whispered, stroking her hair back. "We're gonna save you."

"She doesn't have much time," murmured Batman. "Sunset is only a few hours away. But Dracula can't get far in the daylight – he may be able to go out, but he can't transform until darkness falls. He can't fly. He can't control the weather or animals. He's just like a regular man until night comes. And no man can hide from me in my city."


	11. Chapter 11

"They won't be able to leave the vestibule," said Batman, shutting the door to the room firmly on Ivy and Selina and locking it. "I've got crosses above the doors which will prevent them from transforming even if we don't return before dark. It also subdues their strength so they can't break the locks."

"How do you know so much about vampires, Batsy?" asked Joker. "Got an unhealthy obsession, huh? Is that where the Batman idea really came from? One too many Dracula movies?"

"I make it my business to know my enemy," retorted Batman. "Whoever that might be."

"Yeah? What's my favorite color?" asked Joker.

"Uh…purple?" said Batman.

"Aw, Batsy, you _do_ know me!" chuckled Joker.

Harley stirred in his arms suddenly. "You stay here with her," said Batman. "I'm going on a vampire hunt."

"What? You're not gonna leave me out of the vampire shish-kebabing!" retorted Joker.

"We can't leave Harley here on her own in case he comes back for her," said Batman.

"Then let's take her with us," retorted Joker.

"I don't think she's strong enough to be moved…"

"Aw, sure she is!" exclaimed Joker. "Little vampire bite ain't gonna put my Harley girl outta action, huh, pooh bear?" he asked, cuddling her gently. "I've hurt you a lot worse than this, haven't I?"

"Uh huh…Mr. J," whispered Harley, forcing a smile.

"See, she's fine," said Joker, helping her up. Harley took a step and immediately collapsed in his arms again.

"She can't even walk," said Batman. "She's seriously hurt and…"

"I told Pengers, and I tell you, I hear the word 'seriously' and I tune out," chuckled Joker. "And she don't have to walk. I'll carry her."

"Can't do that, Mr. J," murmured Harley, smiling. "I'm too fat to be carried, remember?"

Joker laughed. "Then you're lucky Daddy J works out, ain't ya, kiddo?" he murmured, picking her up and kissing her. "See, not so heavy. You may be able to stop dieting after all, you colossal waste of space. And I do mean that literally."

Batman was beyond puzzled about how being called fat could be endearing, but judging by Harley's glowing face, it clearly was to her. He shook his head and then headed for the church door, muttering, "Follow me. And keep up."

"_Ja wohl, mein Batmeister_," said Joker, saluting. Harley giggled, cuddling against him. They left the church and Batman scanned the area.

"All criminals leave a trail," he muttered, kneeling down. "Especially if they're overconfident, like this guy is. He's sloppy."

"Plus that holy water I threw at him means he's shedding skin," said Joker, nodding at the ashes Batman held in his hand.

"Yes, that too," muttered Batman. "He's heading for the East side. What's over there that he could have been invited into before?"

"Not our place," said Joker. "That's the other side of town."

"Red's," murmured Harley. "She lives on the East side at the moment, near the botanical gardens."

"And she invited Bela back to her place to watch vampire movies!" exclaimed Joker.

"I don't think…that's what they were gonna do, Mr. J," said Harley slowly.

"Can you show us where Ivy lives?" asked Batman.

"_Lived_, I think you mean, Batsy," chuckled Joker. "What with her being un-dead and all now."

Harley nodded heavily. "Yeah. I'm just…really tired, Mr. J," she murmured, shutting her eyes and leaning against Joker's chest.

"Keep her awake," snapped Batman. "If we lose her, we lose Dracula."

"Yeah, c'mon, Harl, now's not the time for sleeping," said Joker, shaking her gently. "Not unless you don't wanna wake up ever."

"I'm not sure I can help it, Mr. J," murmured Harley.

"Well, I can," retorted Joker. "This is for your own good, Harley."

He began tickling her mercilessly, and she writhed against him, giggling. "Mr. J…stop!" she gasped.

"Won't stop until we get to Pammie's," retorted Joker.

"We'll take my car," said Batman. "Let's move."

…

"That's it!" gasped Harley, pointing to a building. "Now please stop tickling me, Mr. J!"

Joker obeyed as he carried her out of the car, following Batman up the steps of the house. Batman slowly pushed open the door, clutching the stake in his hand. "What on earth happened here?" he muttered, pushing the door open wider to reveal chaos.

Masses of plants lay dead or dying, writhing slowly on the dirt floor. "Looks like there was some kinda fight," muttered Joker.

"Red's babies wouldn't like the man who took her away," whispered Harley. "But I guess Dracula can handle plants. Red ain't gonna be happy when she finds out about this, though."

"_If _she finds out about this," corrected Joker.

"She's…she's gotta be ok, huh, Mr. J?" asked Harley. "I mean, I'm ok, so she's…she's gonna be fine, right?"

"Of course, pumpkin pie," replied Joker. "Little vampire bite is nothing, like I said."

"Yeah," agreed Harley. "Most painful hickey I've ever got, though."

Joker laughed, but Batman held up his hand. "Quiet, both of you," he muttered. "He's in here. He may try to run."

But as they searched every inch of the house from top to bottom, there was no sign of Dracula. "Guess you were wrong, Bats," said Joker. "He's gotta be somewhere else. Maybe he left after the whole plant attack…"

"Where could he have gone?" demanded Batman. "Who else could have invited him in?"

"You tell me – you're the World's Greatest Detective," retorted Joker. "All I know is, we're running out of time here, in case you hadn't noticed," he said, nodding at the window where the sun hung low in the sky.

"You sure I can't sleep, Mr. J?" murmured Harley. "Just for a little while…"

"No, c'mon, stay with me, kid," he snapped, shaking her again.

"He's got to be here," insisted Batman.

"Where then?" demanded Joker.

A thought suddenly struck Batman, and he looked down. "In the ground," he murmured. "Look how these plants are uprooted – it's not just because he was trying to kill them. He was trying to remove them."

Joker gently put Harley down, and then struck her violently across the face. "Ow!" shrieked Harley. "What the hell was that for?!"

"Pain will keep you awake, pumpkin," he said, patting her head and rushing over to join Batman in digging away at the dirt. They didn't have to dig far before they reached a long, wooden box. They cleared the dirt off this, and then Joker slowly pulled the lid off while Batman crouched above it, stake raised.

Dracula lay within, on a bed of dirt, eyes closed and smiling triumphantly. Joker nodded at Batman, who just looked down at Dracula. "C'mon, Bats," hissed Joker. "What are you waiting for?"

"Maybe…it's not too late to save him too," murmured Batman. "I…don't want to take a life, not even one as evil and corrupted as his…"

"Oh, for God's sake, Bats!" shouted Joker, seizing the stake from him. "Stop with the Messiah complex already!"

He thrust the stake down violently, into Dracula's heart. He awoke instantly, screaming and writhing in pain.

"Not everyone can be saved, all right?!" shouted Joker over the screaming, reaching for his knife. "Sometimes the best thing for 'em is just to put 'em outta their misery with a big, juicy stake through the heart! But fangs for the memories, Bela – it's been a real slice!" Joker cried, slicing his knife across Dracula's throat. The vampire instantly disintegrated into a pile of ashes.

Joker laughed triumphantly. "Yeah! Who's the most feared now, huh?! Joke's on you, isn't it, Bela? Y'see, I thought of a gag after all! And nobody likes a joke that keeps repeating itself, so just stay dead!" he shouted, pointing at the ashes.

Batman sighed heavily, straightening up and going over to Harley. He was relieved to see the marks on her throat had disappeared, although a new mark was appearing on her cheek from where Joker had punched her.

"She's fine, Joker," said Batman.

"I ain't fine!" snapped Harley. "I've been sexually harassed, given a hickey against my will, told to do this and that, and to top it all off, the guy who's supposed to love me and wanna save me tickles me until it hurts and then punches me in the face!"

"Yep. Great day, huh, Harley girl?" chuckled Joker, kissing her.

"Yeah, I guess it was, Mr. J!" she sighed, hugging him tightly.

Batman shook his head again, and then turned to look at the remains of Dracula. "What are we going to do about the ashes?" he murmured. "We don't want this to happen ever again."

"You leave that to me, Batsy," said Joker, reaching into his jacket. "Da Vinci said a way to make sure a vampire stays dead is to burn the body. So that's what I'm gonna do," he said, pulling out a box with his face on it.

"What is it?" asked Batman, puzzled.

"It's a bomb," said Joker, cheerfully. "And it's got…ten seconds to go."

Batman stared at him in disbelief, and then seized Harley in his arms and raced from the house. A second later, the bomb detonated, and the entire building went up in flames. "Puddin'!" shrieked Harley.

"I'm ok!" he shouted, emerging from the flaming wreckage and dusting himself off. "I get blown up a lot – never does me any harm. Which is more than I can say for old Bela!" he chuckled, turning around to gaze at his handiwork. "I think that's one colossal pain in the neck that won't be coming back. You have no idea how annoying it is, Bats, to think that somebody's dead, that you've seen the last of them, that they're gone for good, and then to have them just miraculously reappear a few weeks later."

"No," muttered Batman, glaring at Joker. "I have absolutely no idea what that would be like."


	12. Chapter 12

"Any progress, sir?" asked Alfred, as Batman bent over a microscope in the Batcave. Selina Kyle and Poison Ivy had been given a sedative and were resting on slabs nearby, as Batman studied a sample of their infected blood.

"Their blood's been mutated," he murmured. "That's what the vampire toxin does to it. Much like Ivy was able to mutate her blood to partially transform into a plant, Dracula's poison attacks human blood cells and transforms them into vampires. For Harley, the process wasn't complete, and it instantly reversed itself when the source no longer existed. For Selina and Ivy…" he trailed off. "I'm just not sure how to reverse the process," he murmured. "There's no science that can help me here. But medicine has to have progressed enough in two-hundred years that it can save people from vampirism."

"I don't imagine it's a disease that's commonly studied, sir," replied Alfred. "Considering many people believe it to be a fictional affliction."

"I…can't give up hope, though," muttered Batman. "There has to be a way."

He picked up Van Helsing's notes and searched through them again. His eyes fell on the words _No known way of reversing the effect_, and his heart sank in despair.

He put down the notes and something suddenly fell out of them. It was a small envelope. Batman bent down and picked it up, opening it. It was a letter.

_Dear Solomon,_

_I am writing to you for what I believe will be the final time. I am a man who has dealt much with death over the years, and I can tell that it is upon me now. I am not afraid to go to my eternal rest – indeed, I welcome the relief. Life long ago became a burden I no longer wished to bear, after all the horror I have seen and suffered. But a man must always fight where he can. Surrender is not an option, as I'm sure you agree. The Waynes have always been fighters, like the Van Helsings._

_Since not much time remains to me, I will try to be brief. You have been a great friend to me over the years, and I can never express how much I am in your debt for the task you agreed to do for me, taking upon yourself and your family the duty to guard the world from that evil. I pray that Gotham will always have such a strong and faithful guardian to depend upon from whatever terrors afflict it. The night would be too dark to bear otherwise._

_I have faced many evils in my time, and I like to think I am wiser for it. I have no children of my own to pass that wisdom on to, but I would like to share it with an old friend, if I may, so that you may one day share it with your children, and your children's children. There are many evils in this world, and you must arm yourself with whatever weapons you can to fight them. Strength, both of body and heart, knowledge, and faith. I do not speak of faith in an immortal being, although I do believe in one, but more importantly, faith in mankind. Belief in the power of humanity to conquer the greatest odds, to vanquish the most dangerous monsters, and overcome the most insurmountable obstacles. Nothing is impossible – my life has taught me that. Consider all things, dismiss nothing without reason, and believe in the power of the human race. It is greater than you know._

_Believe also in love, which is the one saving grace in a world of darkness. Your friendship has brightened my own immeasurably. Thank you for that. God bless and keep you and yours always,_

_Abraham Van Helsing_

Batman put down the letter as his jaw tightened in resolution. "Alfred, could you please make me some coffee?" he murmured. "I might be in for a long night."

…

The sun was rising as Batman withdrew the needle from Selina's arm, and waited. She didn't respond for many minutes, and his heart pounded like a drum. Then, slowly, her eyes fluttered open. Selina's eyes, with Selina's soul shining out from them. "Bats," she whispered, confused. "What happened? Where am I?"

She looked around and grinned. "You did decide to take Kitty home, huh?" she murmured. "Does this mean we're taking our relationship to the next level?"

"Selina," whispered Batman, genuinely smiling in relief. "Would you mind it a lot if I kissed you?"

"Never know until you try," she whispered, grinning.

He grinned back, and then pressed his mouth gently into hers. Alfred was about to enter the cave to check on Batman's progress, saw the situation, and returned up the stairs from whence he had come.

…

"So ya lost your house, Red, and all your plants are dead, and the Bat took you back to Arkham, but look on the bright side! Mr. J and me are in here too! And at least you're back to your old self!" exclaimed Harley, beaming at Ivy.

"Yeah…I guess it could be worse," sighed Ivy, taking a seat on the sofa in the Rec Room. "I don't really remember anything in between taking Dracula home and waking up here. Did I do anything stupid?"

"Uh…define stupid," said Harley, slowly.

"Pammie, you're back!" exclaimed Joker, entering the Rec Room and beaming. "And minus the fangs! Aw, ain't that terrific? Hope things aren't awkward between you and Johnny Crane after you attacked him and all. Though I hear he didn't really mind – most action he's ever got in his life!" chuckled Joker.

"I…did what?" stammered Ivy.

"You were a vampire, Red, I'm sure he understands," said Harley, waving her hand. "That's kinda what vampires do."

"You mean I was…a blood-sucking monster?" asked Ivy.

"Yeah. That's what a vampire is, Red," replied Harley.

"I dunno – I've only ever read _Twilight_," retorted Ivy. "And that's not the impression of vampires you get from that."

"What is this Twilight crap?" asked Joker. "And who's Bella?"

"You don't wanna know, Mr. J," said Harley.

"No, I guess not," agreed Joker. "I've had enough of vampires to last me a lifetime."

He sat down and flicked on the TV, where a Dracula movie was playing. "All right, I love this one!" he exclaimed. "It's the best ending ever – that Da Vinci guy runs across the table and rips off the curtain, catching Bela in the sunlight, and then he makes this cross outta two candlesticks! It's great stuff! Yeah! Take that, Bela!" he shouted. "Not that the whole sunlight thing works on real vampires, but hey, you can't argue with good entertainment!"

"Mr. J, can you turn it off?" asked Harley. "It brings back bad memories for Red and me."

"Oh, lighten up, Harley," Joker snapped. "It's just a movie. Anyway, vampires don't exist."

"You just fought one," retorted Ivy.

"Yeah. And I killed him, didn't I?" retorted Joker. "So they don't exist anymore. Some un-dead moron still controlling your brain, Pammie, or are you just stupid?"

Ivy sighed heavily and stood up, leaving the room. Harley joined Joker on the sofa, cuddling him tenderly. "Aw, and the guy and the girl are together in the end, just like us," she said, kissing his cheek. "My hero."

"Hey, Bats is the hero," retorted Joker. "I just enjoy stabbing people and cutting off their heads."

"Yeah," sighed Harley. "You're an angel, puddin'."

"I'm fine being anything except a vampire," said Joker. "They suck."

"I knew you were gonna get around to using that joke, puddin'," said Harley, beaming.

Joker grinned. "Saved the best for last, pooh," he said, kissing her.

**The End**


End file.
